I am in a funk.
I might even call it depression.
It's definitely anxiety.
I don't know how to get out of this.
It's hard to explain what is going through my head, but it's been boiling up for a few years now. It started as some anxiety... nothing too serious, just some mild panic attacks that seemed to have no cause. And then, they became not so mild.
And then came a bit of sadness. Prolonged, profound sadness that I couldn't escape from. But it would pass after a few days and I would go back to my normal life. And then it lasted more than a few days. And then it got worse. And worse.
So, in the time since this started, I have been prescribed anti-anxiety medication. It really did help, but when I got pregnant, I stopped taking it. I didn't take it everyday anyway, so it wasn't a huge sacrifice. And any anxiety I had during the pregnancy, I chose to tough out... I had huge fears about what the medication might do to my little in-utero string bean. And now, I still don't take anything because I'm nursing. Again, I just don't know what gets passed along in breastmilk. I'm probably being a bit over-cautious, but I really worry about that sort of thing.
I plan to stop nursing when Lily is one, which is THREE SHORT WEEKS AWAY. At that time, I'm planning a visit to my doctor to talk about this anxiety and depression. It is literally crippling me.
I can't do anything. I don't look forward to anything. Everything is overwhelming. I am cranky and irritable and not myself.
I don't know how to get out of this. Did I say that already?
What does this have to do with you or this little blog? Nothing, really. I just felt the need to share it with you. I have no game plan, no 'I'm totally gonna beat this' mentality, and no intentions of planning a pity party for myself. But when you're miserable, you hope for someone in the world to say, "hang in there, I'm here for you".
Maybe I can plan a happier post for next week? Let's all hope so.
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