WHEN HAVE I EVER BEEN UPLIFTING?
Never. That's when. So, in keeping with my true self, I've decided to post the letter I'm writing to Santa this year. I'm sure he's on facebook, so I'll just message him. Here it is:
WHAT GIVES? I have made lots of Christmas lists over the years and I rarely get what I'm asking for. AND I'VE BEEN GOOD, TOO. Remember when Dave forgot my birthday... TWO YEARS IN A ROW? I didn't punch him in the throat. And I probably could have. But I showed restraint... AND MY CHRISTMAS GIFTS HAVE NOT REFLECTED THAT RESTRAINT. Let's go through some presents, shall we?
Remember when I asked for a Barbie Dreamhouse? Oh, how I wanted that dreamhouse... with the matching Barbie and Ken doll... and what did you bring me? SOAP SHAPED LIKE THE SEVEN DWARVES. Unacceptable.
Or how about the year I wanted some new clothes? Nothing fancy, just a few nice things to wear to school. What was under the tree for me that year? A BELT. While it was in the 'clothing' category, I'm afraid it's still unacceptable.
And we can't forget the year when all I wanted was one of those pretty blankets I saw at the mall. It was so soft and pretty, and extremely reasonably priced. It would have been the present of the year. And what did I get? Puppets of the Three Little Pigs. I WAS FOURTEEN. WHAT THE CRAP WAS THAT ABOUT?
Listen Santa, I'm sure I sound greedy. THAT'S BECAUSE I AM. But we can negotiate: Bring me a blender and no one will get hurt. You have until Christmas morning.