Today's must-have apocalypse item? Thumbtacks.
Whilst (don't you love that word? 'Whilst'. Use it at least four times today and people will think you're super-smart) preparing for the zombie invasion, I even made these pretty and blogged about it here. Mod-podging thumbtacks. Who knew? Anyhoo, here's how to use them to your benefit when the world smells like the undead and an old trunk.
1. When I was in college, I attended a few parties. I was mostly the designated driver because I was terrified of throwing up and/or doing something I'd regret while drunk. But my sobriety allowed me to live through horror stories that other people were living through... like when my friend Michelle woke up the morning after a party with several thumbtacks stuck in her feet. Insert your cringe here. But I learned that thumbtacks in the feet are unpleasant... plant them on your front porch to deter the zombies.
2. There will be occasions when you need to call the survivors together. I plan on having several 'we're still alive' barbecues myself. Print up your fliers (or draw them with crayon) and tack them up on the utility poles that are still standing. You'll have more guests than you'll know what to do with.
3. The men will want to feel useful during these crazy times. And we all know that men can buckle under pressure. So, while you're defending the family from blood-thirsty killers, your husband can make a battle plan using an old map and the thumbtacks as points of reference. Let's remember to praise the men when they manage to survive another day.
4. I'm envisioning some sort of weapon with thumbtacks glued to the outside, pointy-side out. Making something like that will speak to our craftiness and our survival mode. Win-win.
5. Birthdays will become really important during the apocalypse, mostly because we've survived another year infection-free. So when you have the party, really go all out: streamers, banners, balloons... and you can't hang streamers and banners without thumbtacks. Please console little Johnny when his party is crashed by zombies who could smell the cake. Zombies love cake.
6. Do you remember shooting spitwads in school? You do? SHAME ON YOU. SOMEONE HAD TO CLEAN THAT UP, YOU KNOW. Anyhoo, use a straw to shoot thumbtacks at the zombies from a distance. It won't really hurt them but they'll get really irritated. Make sure you don't inhale though... yowch.
7. You should assign chores during the apocalypse. Teaching the kids responsibility is muy importante. (I'm so worldy, with my possibly-misused Spanish words.) Tack up the chore charts and watch the efficiency fly. Save the 'hose off the zombie goo from the front porch' chore for the older kids. Gracias.
8. During Christmas, when ornaments are scarce, tie some shiny thumbtacks on the tree and enjoy the shimmery show.
9. Kids will still be making art for their parents, even after the world ends. Little Timmy's hand-drawn picture of you using a flame-thrower on that pack of zombies needs to be displayed on your bulletin board, with your ever-so-handy thumbtacks. Be sure to note his attention to detail, like the look of horror on the zombie's faces.
10. During the apocalypse, thumbtacks will be really useful in home and auto repair. They're going to be the new duct tape, so keep them on hand. You heard it here first.
Until next time survivors,