I'm a cotton-headed ninnymuggins.
Clothespins. Yes, they're terrific for hanging your clothes on the line, but they're also life-saving. Observe:
1) I'm not sure any of you are aware, but zombies smell. I mean, they reek to high heaven. How do you expect to fight that which repulses your olfactory senses so offensively? Clothespins on your nose, that's how.
2) There is going to be so much awesome loot to be had once the zombies have killed all your neighbors. I mean, you've been eyeing that porcelain vase over at the Johnson's for years now. And now, the Johnson's are zombies and they have no need for that vase. But you can't just pick it up with your hands, I mean, it's got zombie goo all over it. Use your clothespins to grab it and hose it off and it's yours.
3) Clothespins are a great way to keep chip bags closed. And you'd better believe I'm eating chips when the world ends and I don't want them stale.
4) You're still going to be decorating and crafting after the apocalypse. What better time to make one of those starburst mirrors you've seen all over Pinterest? Use the clothespins and your creativity will amaze everyone in your survival camp.
5) Your clothes will be ragged. It's just a fact, really. The zombies are going to decimate your wardrobe. Until you can make it to the abandoned Burlington Coat Factory for new threads, use the clothespins to hold your clothes on. For Pete's sake, have a little modesty.
6) Six words: Pin the Tail on the Zombie.
7) In the post-apocalyptic world, barrettes will be a luxury. Use clothespins to hold back your hair and set a new fashion trend.
8) There is always some obnoxious member of your camp. I mean, the guy who just won't shut up about how awesome he is, even though you know he hasn't killed zombie one. Punish him. Clothespins over his mouth is good for the rest of the camp's morale.
9) The little ones have trouble with forks, even during the best of times... couple that with a constant trembling of fear and you've got a messy toddler on your hands. Show them how to eat using clothespins and you'll be in business.
10) I'm a competitive girl. Once, I tripped my father so I would beat him in the sack race. I feel no shame about this. So we're going to need to keep score of our zombie kills. Every clothespin on your shirt is a kill... I will be covered in clothespins, especially after I've tripped everyone else.
Until next time survivors,